How can couples stop fighting

It generally means you care about the relationship, said Elisabeth J. Healthy couples do a good job of protecting their relationship from external stress, said Zach Brittle , a therapist and founder of the online couples therapy series forBetter. Be honest, is pain from your past driving an overreaction?

Refusing to talk or engage with your spouse in a meaningful way is a subtle but powerful way to keep an argument alive, said Kurt Smith, a marriage and family therapist who specializes in counseling for men. People are nags for a reason, Amy Begel , a marriage and family therapist based in New York City, said.

Nagging is an often unconscious attempt to engage the partner emotionally. If nothing changes, then it may be time to consider breaking up. Differences make a relationship interesting. But if your differences are causing a lot of tension in the relationship, it may be a sign that you and your partner are incompatible.

As Lisa Concepcion , relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Bustle, constantly fighting over your lifestyles might mean that you should probably break up. For instance, if you tell your partner that you need to be in bed by a reasonable time every week night and they respond by arguing, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship.

Although it may seem like a simple issue, Concepcion says it could be indicative of something more. If neither partner is willing to compromise, you may be better off breaking up. In relationships, disagreements are inevitable. But according to Lesli Doares , marriage coach and author, fighting is always a choice. If this is something that happens regularly in your relationship, it may not be the right one for you.

You choose it. You control it. According to India Simms , licensed marriage and family therapist, you can disagree without bringing one another down. According to Daniels, the key ingredient in any relationship is the ability and the willingness to work through issues.

Sara Russell , relationship coach. Cheryl Muir , dating and relationship coach. Susan Trombetti , matchmaker and relationship expert. Lisa Concepcion , relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching. Cherrelle N. Often the content of the argument is a cover for a more fundamental difference. If you want to get to the bottom of what you are arguing about, uncovering that fundamental difference is your task.

Because of the strength of the emotions involved and the feelings of vulnerability that are bound to arise, this is hard to do without the presence of a trusted, experienced third person. Therapists often use this technique, in which permission is given to have the argument, but only at set times and for a set duration preferably not just before bedtime.

For example, you can argue, but only between 7pm and 7. Usually, the couple find this so artificial that they feel less like arguing and more like laughing at something that, having had time to cool down, seems rather trivial.

This approach is based on behavioural marital therapy BMT , a type of therapy popular in the 70s and early 80s. Each partner defines a behaviour they find irritating in the other focusing on the content of the argument in question and suggests an alternative positive substitute.

Then, whenever the argument crops up, each partner agrees to behave in the positive manner instead of arguing. Whenever emotions dominate, we start thinking in black and white.

In other words, we assume there are only two solutions to any problem: either I am right or you are right. In truth, however, there are many possible solutions. When we are feeling calm and rational, it is easy to see that. So, to deal with your argument more rationally, begin by agreeing to call time immediately whenever you start arguing. Then, wait at least 20 minutes — the time it takes for emotions to settle so reason can reassert itself.

You can make it even more likely you will calm down if you spend that time doing something you enjoy, on your own. After this time apart, sit down together.